Last week was a slow uphill battle. Stress from the past few weeks was mounting and becoming almost unbearable. My schedule was becoming jammed and I was beginning to feel the real pressures of college. I was sleep deprived and cranky. I think I snapped at people more than a few times. The resulting guilt led me to pour out apologies more than a few times. I was also facing a few person issues which were later put to rest.
November 10th to 14th was my lowest point this semester, and the lowest point I had reached in a while. I considered getting in my car and driving away more than a few times. I became distant from everyone and I began to isolate myself as the week wore on. I was slowly slipping into a state of depression. My emotional stress was causing me physical harm as well. I was exhausted and edging closer to illness.
Last Friday, I attended a party that would end up becoming focused around me. After drinking a bit too much wine and beer (and vomiting most of it out of my system), I became uncharacteristically depressed. I cannot remember much about what happened between my last recollection of vomiting and waking up in tears on the couch. I can recall myself releasing all of my energy in the form of tears. I remember speaking about everything that was adversely affecting me at that time. I remember speaking about my homosexuality. I clearly recall telling everyone my "coming out" story. I remember telling everyone that if they don't accept me for who I am then they're unfortunately missing out and what a shame that would be.
I know I gave a lot of insight into my life that evening. I helped people see me as a great person. I remember saying that I am still the ラリーちゃん they all know me as. I am not to be thought of as gay. Homosexuality does not define me. It defines my sexual preference, but that is it's uppermost limit. I am not ゲイラリーちゃん。わたしはラリーちゃんです。And that is who I will forever be.
I sometimes feel that there is an internal trait that a lot of people lack. I sometimes feel that I lack this trait. I've been missing key components of this trait until recently. I think this trait involves viewing things realistically and being committed to oneself. Although not impossible, I think it would be hard to be committed to oneself with being realistic about oneself. I haven't been committed to my true self recently. This doesn't stem from me being unrealistic about myself, my goals, or my expectations. Sometimes it simply stems from a fear of facing a particular truth. In my case, it was the fear of rejection, which has been a truth for nearly three years now.
Quoting one of my favorite people on this planet, "It's okay though." Without holding a commitment to who you are, you cannot fully develop yourself or relationships with others. The strongest commitment comes with facing the frightening truths of life. Rejection scares me, but I'm not at fault for it. Others cannot be controlled.
To the reader: I challenge you to examine yourself and discover the truths that scare you most. I challenge you to face these truths head-on and become committed to the person you are. It is a lifetime commitment and one well worth the invested energy.
I should be hearing from Kansai Gaidai in the near future. Upon learning my fate, I will update my blog. がんばる！
